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Cat: Raffles
Owner: Emily
Appearance: B
“Like Jennifer Aniston, Raffles was a lot more attractive when he was a few pounds heavier. Also like her, he is beginning to show his age (13). He’s still got a big-eyed charm. His mackerel tabby pattern is getting more pronounced as he ages and his muzzle, cheeks and eyeliner get whiter. I think he’s the most beautiful cat in the world but am probably biased.”
Sociability: A
“When people come over Raffles will usually come investigate them right away, especially if they’re men. He loves rubbing against dudes’ feet and legs. It’s a fetish. He’s friendly with women too but more flirtatious with guys. He doesn’t even really mind children. The only things that can deter him from socializing are vacuums, swiffers, mops and other loud or sticklike household appliances. He runs from these beasts but then hides under something and keeps a close eye on their progress, it’s kind of a love/hate fascination, especially with his #1 nemesis the vacuum.”
Usefulness: F
“If I could give Raffles a negative score here I would. He is a huge drain on household resources due to various pricey medical problems and over the years has ruined many things by barfing on them. If you are reading this and have a young cat, heed my wisdom and get pet insurance while you still can! It will come in handy when your cat is 10 and needs *all his teeth removed*”
Huggability: C
“As he’s aged and mellowed Raffles has begun to tolerate being picked up and held like a baby for less than a minute but I’m the only one who is really allowed to do it and he still doesn’t love it, just tolerates it. All kinds of petting and head-bumping affection is appreciated, just not Elmira-style hugging and squeezing and loving.”
Overall Grade: B
it occurs to me that if Raff could read he’d be humiliated. Luckily he is a cat
I loved every last bit of this.
